The new year often brings a sense of optimism with renewed hope, exciting adventures and fresh perspectives. I knew not to expect much with the current pandemic so there was no excitement for the new year for me. So far, the days have felt long but the months seem to just fly by. We’re now approaching the third month of the year and I am exhausted already. Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate my busyness because it means that as a freelancer, I have a pretty full plate. Nothing to complain about really. Yet sometimes I catch myself feeling quite empty.
It could be the frustration of being cooped up inside all the time. On some days, all I feel is numb. It is as though I’ve become immune to not feeling anything but tired. I put on some worship songs on Spotify, I play the guitar, I cry a little. Can I be honest and say that this journey is so very lonely? Waking up to routine, having to sit with my struggles and disappointments, believing without ceasing — all while clinging on to my why.
The desperation of this destitute place leaves me dry.
It is on days like this that I have to draw from the well of living water.
I know that this life is temporary.
The pain of my restlessness and wrestling is because the world is so broken.
The flesh is weak and the heart is deceitful.
The people we love will fail us.
I have so much to look forward to. Yet in the darkness of night, the past comes back to haunt me. No matter how much I sleep, my body awakens as though it has gone through a 3-hour spin class. I remember that I am now in the season of Lent, and as I push myself towards the heart of the Saviour, it will only get harder. Disappointments will continue to come but I remind myself to focus and fix my eyes on Him.
He knows what’s best.
He knows exactly what I need.
He knows exactly what He’s doing.
The wilderness was meant to confuse. But my God is not the author of confusion. He is the author of clarity and peace. I can trust Him to do a new thing. Again and again and again.
“See, I am doing a new thing!
Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?
I am making a way in the wilderness
and streams in the wasteland.”
– Isaiah 43: 19
Despite the setbacks, I know that He is in control. In the midst of my disappointment, I know that a door closed is divine protection and a sign pointing towards the next thing He has in store for me. He has not failed me yet and He will not fail me now.