It’s on nights like this that I feel like crumbling. The hollowness of my being amplified by the noise outside my window. The darkness creeping deeper and deeper, unrelenting in its pursuit of the sanity of my mind. My chest feels heavy, my eyes welling up but no tear falls. Not even a tiny drip. The whole thing is suffocating. I never knew it was possible for pain to make it hard to breathe.
It’s the empty shell of what was. The chill that runs down my spine as I lay awake, absolutely alone in a space that once held your presence. I turn towards the lights glimmering from the curtains parting, hoping to catch some warmth only to be met with the wintering silence of abandonment. You walked away. You gave up. You did this to me.
It’s a fizzled love — the kind that takes more than it gives, the kind that rips the soul to pieces once it’s had its share, the kind that is true until he wakes up one day and wants out, the kind that clings on to a memory that even the living cannot compete with. I was right in front of you, a future waiting to happen. But you chose the ghost from a time now gone. What do measly 12 months mean when compared to the magnitude of 10 years?
Sometimes I wonder what have I done to deserve such a love?
It’s having courage for me to step out every day, to live this one life given, to know that even the darkest nights will break into morning. I could sit here questioning “Why God?” for all eternity but it will not bring you back. You are not mine to keep. The road does not simply end. I know for certain that I was at a crossroads of finding my worth or letting you determine it for me. As painful as it was, walking away showed me that I am far more than you deserve. I found peace with the pain that you so willingly laid on me because I know that my God is bigger than my circumstance. He has done it before and He will do it again.
So although it’s on nights like this that I feel like crumbling. It’s also on nights like this that I find my Lighthouse. He tells me that I am where I am meant to be, and He assures me that I am home.
And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose.