BRUTALLY BITTERSWEET

I drove past your house last night. Trust me, I didn’t want to but I had to send a package to an address nearby. Isn’t it strange that a place once so familiar is now just another drive-by? There was no reason for me to slow down and pull the hand brakes right in front of your gate.

The house is still barren-looking and old. The rusty red gate, the dying Suzuki parked outside haphazardly, the dim glow from your living room, the eerie darkness of your dusty porch. The world has changed so much in the last 3 years but everything there stayed the same. It was unnerving.

As much as I hate to admit it, I held my breath as I took that drive. What if I saw you walking back from your car? What if you were on the street holding another girl’s hand? Alas, the traces of you were nowhere to be found. A sense of relief washed over me but I’d be lying if I said that I wasn’t disappointed. Yet I wouldn’t be surprised to know if you now sleep in another girl’s bed. But between the two of us, you and I both know that you always found it so easy to move on.

All the songs we used to listen to remained on my playlist for too long, like an uninvited guest who refused to leave, but I was to blame too. For the longest time, I could not move on from the fact that you had become a ghost. Your existence was my lightbulb moment and your exit saw shattered glass on the floor.

How could I have been so stupid? So naive to think that you were going to be my forever person. After all, who tells a complete stranger “I love you” after just a month of dating. Toxic love is not love at all. When we called it quits and parted ways, I looked back in hindsight only to find misplaced hope shrouded by well-thought-out lies. It cannot be helped — the doubt. Who would be able to trust a person like you?

Now I no longer remember what it’s like to have you lie next to me. And that’s a good thing. There’s no need to reminisce about pain.

In the end, all endings are the same. Brutally bittersweet.

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