ALMOST

Photo by Nadine Shaabana on Unsplash

It’s one of those nights again.

I honestly don’t know how people ever fully heal. Or if they even do. Almost a year on and some nights are still hard. There’s just this lingering feeling of emptiness and longing. Something innate that I can’t quite describe. If I could just know the reason why maybe I’ll be able to let him go. But there’s no guarantee and I won’t get my answers. Not in this lifetime at least.

I threw out everything we shared — every memory, every gift, letter and picture. It was the night I found out that he was with another girl in an upscale hotel in the city. I’m sure she seduced him underneath the sheets in the cover of night. If she was prettier, perhaps it would have hurt less. All I could think while balling my eyes out singing “It Is Well” was why not me? The questions of my own self-worth and being swirled around like a hurricane, making me feel dizzy. I can’t remember if I even slept that night. My tear-drenched pillows heavy with the burden of my pain. I know her face. I have seen it before. And then my thoughts wandered to when and how and what if all this time, I had been deceived?

I’ve grown up so much in the last year. I know that his love is poison and yet it still hurts sometimes. My worth and identity is not determined by the relationship status I carry or a ring on my finger, that I am aware of but how come it still pains me to drive away every time I pass by those familiar roads? Memories are meant to be just that. Memories. And yet they haunt me in the darkness of these four walls.

If I could see him again I’d ask him if she was worth it. If she made him feel alive the way I used to. If she could hold his face in close and whispered to his soul the way I used to. If she would immortalise him in her art — if she was even talented enough, to begin with.

No, I don’t think he’ll ever find another catch like me. A narcissistic pathological liar in denial simply cannot grasp the concept of love. And maybe I need to meet a man who sees me as a diamond, not an “almost someone” that throws away the pearl but keeps the empty shell.

Baby if only you knew what love is, we could have had it all.
But my friend says you’re an imbecile and I couldn’t agree more.

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