DELUSION AND ILLUSION

Credits: Nicole Lim @ jesuistigerlily

The days turned into weeks that turned into months, and soon the months will turn into years. After some time passes, you wonder to yourself if you ever did love at all. Was it the “I want to spend the rest of my life with you, choose to love you daily” kind of love or the butterflies, dizzy in the sunshine, happy without a care in the world kind of madness? And while you have forgotten most of it, you still find pieces of him at the back of your mind. You wonder if you’re going mad.

In a sick twist of fate, you feel relieved that you’re moving on and yet you miss him with so much pain that you form knots in your stomach. But. But how can you move on without ever letting go? Maybe in the arms of another, you will feel whole again. Or maybe, just maybe, you know deep down, that nothing is going to work. Fixing your heart is not like wiping off the apple juice you spilled on the floor this morning. What you need is to be held within the embrace of the familiar muscles that belong to the person you wanted to spend the rest of forever with.

As you lay alone in your room at night with your eyes wide open, staring at the empty ceiling above your bed, you will feel an overwhelming emotion of frustration, sadness and something that is quite indescribable. Funnily enough, you feel angry at yourself for not being able to tangibly identify your emotions with words. It annoys the hell out of you, angers you and drives you up the wall.

Heartbreak is like that. You become delusional and you form illusions of what could have been. Then, the agony hits. Although it’s stupid and damaging, you allow yourself to wallow in self-pity. You know how bad it is for you to stay awake like this. You know that being pessimistic gets you nowhere. You know that you’re probably better off doing something more productive. But here you are. Just here. Just thinking about nothing in particular but about everything else.

You let yourself crumble like the crash of the Berlin Wall. At least for just tonight.

“And he only knew he loved you when he let you go.”

So you let him go.

x

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