FINALITY

Credits: Nicole Lim @ jesuistigerlily

After my breakup in January, I told myself to mourn but not for too long. So I gave myself a grace period of about 6 months to get back on my feet again. It hasn’t been easy but for some bizarre reason, this time seemed a little easier than heartbreaks of the past. Sure, I’ve still had my fair share of ups and downs. Who doesn’t? But for the first time in a long time, I pushed myself harder to the heart of the Father. I learned to focus on myself – my dreams, my passions and my ambitions – and I found joy in my simple but fulfilling life.

Anyway, it’s been exactly 6 months today, and I finally feel like I’m myself again. I wrote the letter below, in April – a month when everything felt very turbulent. Not quite sure why but I suppose it was just a low month. Looking that this now, I see it as a necessary process of my growth. The reason why I’m sharing such a personal piece with all of you is because I want to encourage you that there is life after the pain, and as difficult as it sounds, it is possible to wish the other well.

So to the person who changed my life for the one year and two months that we were together, this is for you – the final post about the relationship that we shared. A letter for you.


Dear you,

At some point between the beginning and the end, you were the light and love of my life. You gave me butterflies and made my heart flutter. And for the longest time, I was sure that you were my forever person – the person that I get to grow old with. Or so I thought.

How that began to crumble, I will never know.
But you should know this.

You tore my heart to absolute shreds and not a day goes by that I do not feel some form of piercing pain, whether physically, emotionally or mentally. Every inch of my being ached from the torture that you have put me through. Some days I wake up feeling numb from all the crying. On other days, I feel this deep emptiness of dread. I don’t think you would understand such pain considering that you have always been the person inflicting it.

You say that I have been the one for you. Your utter bullshit kills me more than the thousand fights we’ve ever had. If I have truly been the one for you, you would have fought for me. No, if I am truly the one for you, then you MUST fight for me. It’s ridiculous when you say breaking up with me was the hardest decision of your life because from my perspective, it was the easiest. You just decided to give up on us. Sure, I am bitter. Who wouldn’t be?

You say that I am not fluent enough in Korean, nor was I moving to Korea in the near future. What about you? What have you done, as a man to prove that I can depend on you? All you have done is complain that I make too many funny faces, watch too many Korean variety shows, going shopping and enjoy doing so. I deserve to buy nice things for myself because I earn my own money while you have, all the time we’ve been together, wasted so much time in this delusion of self-discovery. For someone approaching the age of 30 as quickly as you, not once have you given thought into establishing a career path for yourself so that you can, by God’s grace, take care of a family – our family. But all you choose to do is to travel from one country to another in your quest to be “perfect in English”. And as a writer, let me tell you that you can never be perfect in English – no matter how much you try. The only perfect thing being is God and God alone, of whose existence you also deny.

You do not get to be the person who determines my future. That is my prerogative and God’s hand over my life. You do not get to dictate how I should behave in front of you. If you cannot accept some parts of me, then you sure as hell do not deserve all of me. You do not get to choose your own path in life, while causing destruction for others in the process. Breaking up with me has only made me stronger both mentally and spiritually, which has made me come to a realisation that indeed I am better off without you – although I need to keep reminding myself of this fact.

True, I am not perfect. In fact, I am probably just an emotional wreck half of the time anyway. Although my days ahead will be stormy and cold, I am still on my journey. The God that I worship, the God that you think is unnecessary, is constantly guiding me and building me up. I know that His promises are good. And you know, even though you feel like you do not need Him, He loves you and has a plan for your life too.

So, as much as I want to hate you and never see your face again – but since we live in two different countries, then heck, I think I get my wish – I cannot hate you. Because my love for you is stronger than any other negative emotion that I can ever muster up. My wish for you is to someday be loved by someone who can give you everything that you want. My hope for you is to have a full life, even if it is without me in it. My dream for you is to someday encounter the love and grace of the Father, which is the greatest gift that life can ever give you.

잘 지내요, 오빠.

x

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