NOT FINE

On some days, I wake up and feel like I am strong enough to conquer the world. On other days, I feel like my everything is crumbling around me. On most days, though, I am doing just fine.

And that’s the funny thing about being fine – it makes you question if you really are fine. Maybe being fine is overrated. Maybe being fine is just an illusion about the actual state of your emotional wellbeing. Maybe being fine is possibly pretending that nothing is wrong when at the back of your mind, everything is a muddle of confusion and things are in fact, not so fine after all.

Funny how I wake up on some days and not a thought of you crosses my mind all day but right before I fall asleep at night an absolutely horrible flashback of us being happy just suddenly crosses my subconscious, preventing me from dozing off. Sometimes, these flashbacks are so vivid that I suddenly remember everything that I once thought I had forgotten. I’m tired of missing you. I’m tired of wishing that everything was different. I’m tired of trying to make sense of it all. I’m tired of being tired.

How is it that you’ve left such a mark on my heart when all traces of me are gone from your life except for my playlist on your phone? How is it that even after you’ve left me tattered and torn, I am still longing for your voice to call out my name?

Ed Sheeran’s Photograph and James Bay’s Let It Go were the two songs that recurred constantly like a the steady beat of a drum. You loved those two songs and that should have been a sign to me that one day I was going to be victim of this love.

Loving can hurt sometimes.
Let it go, just let it be.

No, darling. It’s not fine.
It never was.

“우리 그만하자.”
“알았어. 잘 지내.”

x

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