WHERE IS MY SANITY

I’d to think that my personality lies somewhere in the middle of the extrovert and introvert spectrum. Generally, as I grew older, going out all the time became less of a concern for me and I decided that I would much rather stay at home. While it is very in trend these days to visit “hipster cafes” and spend a ridiculous amount of money on avocado toast, I would rather be in the comfort of my living room to watch something on Netflix.

While I’m perfectly fine with the current situation of working from home, my brain thinks otherwise. It’s been hard, having to just be in the same four walls all day long. My patience for a lot of things are wearing thin and I don’t have much patience to begin with. Not being able to see my parents in Subang or just taking a drive out to get a slice of cake with my boyfriend has been some kind of mental torture I never expected. But this has been a long time coming I think.

To be honest, I don’t quite know how to put it into words – the way I feel and my thought process. It’s everything and nothing all at once. And since I have very little to distract me at the moment, I constantly feel like I am, in fact, imploding. I am terrified about the situation and the future, I feel hopeful because I believe in a God that says He’s got my back, I am confused at why I feel the way I feel, I am tired of labelling myself “this” or “that” just in case I don’t fall into the trap of self-fulfilling prophecy. I love and hate at the same time. I feel grateful and then I am frustrated with the lacks. I want so much and then I don’t want anything at all. Perhaps all this time, I’ve been looking for some semblance of normalcy. But I don’t know what situation can be defined as normal at all.

I’ve been told a lot that I often let my emotions get the better of me and it happened today. Call it what you like – a meltdown, anxiety attack, tremors. I’ve had a few of those over the last few months. Time heals all wounds they say but my thoughts get the better of me sometimes. I failed today, like many days I’ve had before. So we shall try again tomorrow. Fresh perspectives, am I right?

Not sure what the conclusion is to this piece but I needed to let out my frustrations.
Hope the new week will be better and brighter. Even with all the hell that’s going on outside.
I am safe, I have food to eat, I have a roof over my head. That should be enough. I should be grateful.

x

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