Whenever the new year rolls around, I see a flood of resolutions on every social media platform in existence. I’ve never been the kind to have resolutions. Not because I don’t have ambition but rather because I can never decide on anything. Ask my boyfriend and he’ll tell you that my most used phrase is “I don’t know”. And if you read the description of a Type 6 on the enneagram, you’ll understand why. Is it a cause for concern? Sure, it could be. Let’s be realistic though. As it is, I can barely decide what to have for lunch and dinner because there are so many options – and this isn’t even a difficult life and death situation. Big life things make me more stressed out than I need to be.
Last year was a rollercoaster and as I did some reflection, I came to the conclusion that I would still do it all over again even though it was a real shithole to endure. It sure as heck wasn’t easy but I was able to emerge stronger. I proved to myself once again that I’m a fighter. Even if the fight required me to sit on the floor while crying my eyeballs out. And I would do it all over again because it sifted out the people who have seen me at my worst and still chose to love me. The last quarter or so of 2019 made me grateful for many things but it also made me realise that life is too short to be doing things that don’t make me happy. Growing up, I’ve often been told that sometimes we have to do things that we don’t enjoy and that still stands true. But for things that are within my control, I don’t see why I should allow myself to commit just for the sake of. As the oldest child, there has always been this expectation to be so many things – don’t get me wrong, my parents didn’t place all that expectation on me. Yet, somehow it became something that defined me because I took it upon myself to achieve some delusional level of perfection. And to be honest, going to therapy by the 7th session was raking up all kinds of issues that caused me to have more mental breakdowns than just the sexual assault itself. I thought I was going crazy but then I decided that some battles are just not worth the fight so that’s when I knew I had to stop.
The point is I still don’t have resolutions and I never plan to have any. Instead, I will do what I feel like at the moment of decision.
Thus, at this stage of my life, I want to be more intentional – with my time, energy or mental space. It might mean giving up things that I am expected to do and it might mean disappointing some people. After everything that I endured in the last 6 months, I know for sure that my joy is more important than what people say or think about me. It’s annoying to keep living up to what I deem as unrealistic expectations (including some of the ones I make for myself) and it’s annoying to keep up with everything while letting people push me over just because I hate confrontation.
This year, I just want to live and to listen more to what my body needs. My mental health is way more important than making other people happy. And that’s a process that I am going to slowly learn – one day at a time.