Hatred is a strong word.
Good, Christian girls (and boys) are supposed to be obedient. We are taught to forgive those who have wronged us because Jesus died on the cross for our sins. We are taught that forgiveness sets us free. We are taught that letting go is a good form of release. It’s supposed to help us more than the person who has caused us pain.
But how do you forgive a monster?
What do you do when you meet one of the worst human beings on the planet?
It’s unfortunate that I had to meet him all those years ago. It’s unfortunate that things happened the way it did. It’s unfortunate that I felt like I didn’t have a voice. It’s unfortunate that I was so crippled by fear and suffered alone. It’s unfortunate that he still tries to be chummy with me, thinking that we can still be friends. It’s unfortunate. But the narrative now belongs to me.
Hatred is a strong word.
Good, Christian girls (and boys) have feelings too. And I don’t claim to be a perfect human being. The hatred that I feel runs deep and it bleeds red. The hatred that I feel is not something to just forgive and let go. The hatred that I feel stems from injustice and disgust. It’s supposed to be him, suffering the consequences of his actions – not me.
But how do you forgive a monster?
What do you do when you meet one of the worst human beings on the planet?
It takes time to heal from the demons in my head. It takes courage to make carefully calculated decisions. It takes strength to ask for help and to be okay for asking. It takes logic to acknowledge the fact that there is no need to feel guilty. It takes patience to grow through the motions. It takes love from multiple sources to begin the journey of being whole again.
I’m not quite there yet but I will eventually.
x
