Difficult weeks have been a rare occurrence of late but somehow I found myself in the middle of a storm. There was a sense of looming darkness so tangible that I could not help but feel undone. Fear and guilt intertwined within my veins to a point that the sensation of drowning was so real. There was no way for me to reach the surface.
It was a Monday afternoon when I suddenly found myself shaking violently on the floor with tears streaming down my face. I don’t quite know how it happened or how I got there. Emotions started to well up inside of me and the only thing stopping me from going insane is Phil Whickam’s “Secret Place” playing in the background.
The first time it happened, I had somehow mustered the strength to call my boyfriend who rushed over and saw me in a state even I had never seen myself in before. This time I rode the wave before telling anyone. No one understood what or why I went through it.
It was a scary place to be in.
Past insecurities crept back into my life. It was so confusing – I thought I had dealt with my issues through my season of singleness. There was a constant battle within me about the validity of what I feel. Everything was overwhelming and painful. Growing up, I was told to be strong, that everything is mind over matter. But what happens when your thoughts spin in an unending cycle?
For the first time in my life, God seemed like an object that became incomprehensible. I doubted everything I believed in, unable to grasp the concept of His love.
It was a scary place to be in.
After what seemed like an impossible week, I somehow managed to pick myself back up – the remnants of a broken girl that will always have to live with scars. It will take a while but I am reminded that I am loved and wanted. The people around me have proved me wrong. No one is leaving.
It was a helpless situation because I thought that no one can save me. How could they? I cannot even save myself.
But after what seemed like an impossible week, He reminds me that He is a way maker.
That is enough and should always be enough.
That He is who He is.
I am who I am because He is who He says He is.
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