I don’t quite know where to begin. It’s strange to have felt this way again – angry, disappointed and hopeless. All the emotions that lay dormant for the last two years are slowly rippling on the surface. The thought of being sad again terrifies me. I have come so far and achieved so much – I refused to look back at old wounds. But then I caved.
Creating a Facebook account using a Korean name just to snoop around my ex-boyfriend’s life left me feeling like an idiot. I had hit an all-time low. I don’t know if it’s fair but I honestly felt so angry when I found out that he had gotten married. For someone who was never willing to commit himself to me in holy matrimony, this news left me feeling insulted. She isn’t even that pretty – my friends agree.
Don’t get me wrong, I have no interest in marrying him after we broke up. To me, he is good as dead. People who break my heart, by default, don’t get second chances – even if they grovel and crawl beneath my feet. But I also don’t expect people who break my heart to be happy. I mean, it’s not fair, isn’t it? That I had to endure so much emotionally yet he enjoys the benefits of marriage although, for the entirety of the one and a half years, I’ve known him, he thought marriage was an inconvenience. I keep thinking that it should have been me who’s married – but not to him, of course. Yet here I am single as ever.
This is a humbling experience though. As God reminded me that He too had to suffer while the rest of the world lived jolly lives. My pain is only a foretaste of the pain that Jesus had to endure at the cross. I questioned Him for a week about the concept of impartiality – why did He allow someone who hurt me to have the one thing I always wanted. After struggling with God for the whole of last week, He reminded me that knowing Him is far better than being married. The one thing I had to give up had I married ex-boyfriend is my faith because he saw God as an inconvenience and an unnecessary “thing” to have in life. Not that I wanted to let go of God, but in a relationship that requires compromise, sometimes you are willing to give up even the most important things if it means achieving peace and fighting less. God saw me too precious a child to let me make that decision so instead, He saved me in the form of a horrendous breakup but then picked me up and blessed me far more than I could’ve ever imagined in the last two years. The relationship and that boy wasn’t worth it, God is. He might have a wife, but he does not have God. I do.
Besides, I know my time will come because I know that my God will not forsake me. He has plans to prosper me and to give me a future.
This is just a paper cut in a season full of struggles when the enemy fights harder to bring you down so that you forget that God gave up all for you. Not today. He will not prosper. Paper cuts only hurt momentarily. But God’s love endures forever. And that’s all I need – always.
x
