Credits: Nicole Lim @ jesuistigerlily

It was raining cats and dogs outside my window. The wind was howling like a wolf screaming at the moon. Everything was eerily soothing. There’s just something about the monsoon, you know?

Work was hard today. Not in the physical sense but mentally, I felt drained, exhausted and extremely stressed out. There are about a million things to do before my first work trip overseas. I’m finally going back to London after two and a half years. The feeling is bittersweet – I wonder what I would feel landing back in what was my second home country. While I’m filled with excitement, there is also a looming sense of dread. Can’t quite put my finger on it.

Despite the dark and foreboding sky, I decided to drive home after what was a long day at the office. Traffic was heavy even though it was already 8 o’clock at night. As luck would have it, I needed the extra hour to think – about work, my plans for the next two months, the future, and funnily enough, my love lost a year ago. Truth be told, I never bothered to unfollow his best friend on Instagram although I conveniently blocked him on every other social media platform. Human beings are strange creatures. We always choose to close the door but not without leaving a small gap lest we decide to venture through again.

The past has a way to come back and haunt you if you give it a chance. And my mistake has grieved me greatly over the weekend. True enough, his best friend posted an update which included him. While he’s doing well, I couldn’t help but feel annoyed because I felt that he did not deserve to be happy. I wanted him to be miserable, to feel the pain he caused me, to wander through life like a soulless man. Does that make me cruel? I think it does.

It was a long hour, as I wrestled with myself, with my conscience, with God. I started to wonder if I really am fine after all. Maybe for the last year, I was convincing myself that I am capable of letting go and growing up. Then I started to think of ways I would reject him so that he would hurt. And at the end of it all, as I pulled into my street, there was nothing left except the drum of my beating heart and the patter of raindrops. I had no tears to give. Maybe I was just being overly emotional, maybe it’s the PMS, but in the end, all I could do was look up and ask God to take it away – the pain, the emptiness, the silence.

Just for tonight, I think it’s okay to not be fine.