Not gonna lie but I woke up feeling pretty shit about today. Birthdays are supposed to be happy occasions but of late, it has just become a more and more irritating concept to me. The fact that the year began on a sour note did not make things any better either. Now, don’t get me wrong, my parents did an amazing job in raising me and my mother must have endured so much pain bringing me into the world but I have never found great importance in birthdays.
Well, actually not all birthdays. Just mine.
You see, I am a giver. I enjoy making other people feel special on their special day and that makes me happy. On the other hand, I have been accustomed to disappointment. Given the few times my birthday was actually celebrated, most of the time people have let me down a lot and I have somehow just started to just be okay with it. Well, not okay with it but I am good at acting like I am.
Of course, I know that a lot of people do care for me. My family and those close to me definitely love me and value me – a fact I am certain of. But me being me, I let negative stuff affect me once in a while. This is the one area in life where I seem to lack the self-control. I let my emotions eat me up. So if you didn’t know, I actually suffer from a rejection complex. For many years now, in fact. It’s much more in control these days compared to in the past, but some things just don’t go away completely.
Last night, I went out for dinner with a few friends from university. We talked about a lot of things and Shin said something that really got me thinking.
“We always think about our past and our future. That’s why we can’t be happy. We’re not living in the now. You see, humans are quite sadistic, we seem to like dwelling on the negative things in our life. When something bad happens to us, like a breakup, for example, we feel like we have to be sad. Although we don’t actually have to be. We should be more positive and live in the present. Then I think we can be happier.”
So, after all is said and done, today is a reminder to myself to not let disappointment and rejection faze me. Today is a reminder to choose to live in the present. Today is a reminder to choose to be happier. Today is a reminder to myself that I am valued and I am loved. Today is a reminder that sometimes people will disappoint me but not everyone will. But most importantly, today is a reminder that even when all else fails me, God does not.
Today was definitely a birthday to remember. I woke up to a lot of love from my parents, the rest of my family and close friends. My brothers have been wishing me “Happy Birthday” every day for the last 3 weeks, and the stinkers even made my mum get me a cake even though I said I didn’t want one. And considering my colleagues surprised me with bean sprouts (the most disgusting vegetable known to mankind) all over my table, pictures of Lee Min Ho – the one Korean actor I despise – and a cake (two cheesecakes in one day), I would have to say that today has been a good day.
I have decided that I will try to be happy every day after my birthday. Even if I don’t feel like it at all.