Credits: Nicole Lim @ jesuistigerlily

Hello everyone.

It has been a while, and it is now February. Crazy that the first month of the year has ended. I’m in the mood for something simple, fuss-free and laid-back. Let’s chat, shall we?

As many of you already know, 2017 has started off really bumpy for me – what I call, my “series of unfortunate events”.

Three days into the new year, my boyfriend (now ex) decided that it was a good idea to break up with me because he just couldn’t do it anymore. He’s Korean by the way, so long distance was a routine that he discovered he could not commit to despite us doing it for almost 9 months already. We were together for exactly 14 months when things ended.

Two weeks later, it took me two hours to get to work because of some crazy rain and traffic. And on the same day, my MacBook Pro of 5 years decided that it was time to call it quits too. I was left in a state of unbelief. My entire livelihood was on that machine. I’ve written, edited and created beautiful content on that thing and losing it felt like my world was crumbling for real. If there was any consolation, I already backed everything up in my hard disk like I always do. But it was a major blow to my wallet.

Honestly, as I sat in my office when my MacBook died, I could do nothing but laugh. Things have just not being happening in my favour this year and I was in so much shock that tears could not even stream down my face. I just accepted my luckless fate in life and moved along.

That said, January wasn’t all bad. After the breakup, I was left in a muddle of tears and anger, but after about a week, I decided that I can’t be this pitiful girl forever. Picking up the pieces is never easy but the support of family and friends pulled me through. Soon, I found myself creating content again and went out for lookbook shoots with my photographer friends. I decided that channeling my energy into people I love and things I value was the way to go. I also bought a new Olympus Pen E-PL7 to try out vlogging. His name is Joon Ki (준기) and I hope to vlog as often as I can.

My colleagues were kind enough to give me advice on MacBooks and so after some deliberation, I decided not to spend a ton of money on a new MacBook Pro with touchpad, and instead, I bought a MacBook Air that is powerful enough for the website work that I do. His name is Mackie.

I’ve also started watching Korean dramas again. Something I took a break from last year because I spent most of my weekends with my ex or creating content. This year, I started off with Goblin and not gonna lie, but it really helped with the breakup. The fangirl in me has woken up from a deep slumber and is currently in love with Gong Yoo (although Kwang Soo will forever have my giraffe-obsessed heart).

Something that I feel I need to address is the whole “Korean drama love story delusion” that has been lingering in the air of my past relationship. Now, I have been a fan of basically all things Korean since 2011. It started with my first ever Korean drama that was 131 episodes long – My Daughter, Kkot Nim (내 딸 꽃님이). Since then, I have always been into Korean drama, music, culture and food. I learnt to make a lot of Korean food during my time in Sheffield, and on weekends, I would watch Korean dramas/variety shows alone while I squealed to myself like a lunatic. So when I dated a Korean, a lot of people made it a bigger deal than it actually was. Sure, he’s Korean but that was not why I fell in love with him. He is his own person and I fell in love with a human being, not a pop culture fantasy. After the breakup, I have to admit, I was very unsure about whether I wanted to have anything to do with my Korean bubble. But, it didn’t make sense to give up that part of myself. My love for everything Korean is so ingrained in me that I could not let this part die. I’ve been studying Korean over the last year and I will continue to do so. Sometimes, I talk to my car, Soo Soo (수수 – short for 광수) for practice. I will continue to love Korea with the same passion as I did pre-relationship if not more, post-relationship. 

My 2017 did not start off in a way I anticipated but as I’m turning 24 this month, I believe that life can only start picking up again from here. Sure, things have been pretty shit for me – in fact, it’s been fucking hell (there I said it) – but I choose to just accept my life for what it is and to be positive about the good things. All in all, I believe that God has His reasons for allowing things to happen the way they did. Growing pains are necessary, and I trust His judgments even though things may seem murky right now. That’s what faith is at the end of the day, isn’t it?

This is a song I found somewhere in between my breakup and my MacBook dying, and it sums up perfectly about how I feel about life right now. It has helped me get through the dark nights when the demons in my head kept me awake, and the long lonely drives to and fro from work. I hope that it helps you too.

I want to take this time to thank each and every one of you, who have been there through it all, sent me well wishes and thought of me during this difficult period. I really do appreciate it, and I just thought that you guys should know that I am actually doing quite well right now. There has been and will be days when I cry for no reason, or days when the memories flashback like a haunting ghost. Those days will happen and it’s okay. Writing, of course, has been my therapy and method of recluse when I don’t want to talk about how I feel. I will be releasing some of the pieces I wrote periodically, as and when I feel like sharing them. On the most part, I’ve had good days. Choosing positivity in trying times really builds up a person’s morale and it can only be done if you have the will to. I’m glad that my time in 2016 has built me up to deal with this.

Well, here we go 2017. I’m pressing the reboot button and we’re starting over right now, in February. Nise is back and ready to take over the world (in a non-evil villain way).