“So, what do you want to be when you grow up?”
It’s a simple question – uncomplicated and unpretentious – usually aimed at young children. And like all young children, I was asked this many times.
When I was young, words like fashion designer, chef, singer and dancer slipped out from my mouth. I had a wild imagination, you see, and I still do – which is a curse and a blessing. My parents and grandparents – especially my granddad – would disagree with my choices, and for obvious reasons. I was from an Asian family after all. My granddad was extremely proud of me (honestly sometimes I don’t even know what for), and I remember him constantly telling me to either be a doctor or lawyer. These are what I call “the usual suspects”. You know, the usual degrees that are expected of you if you’re from an Asian family, along with engineering, economics, business, finance, accounting etc (hahaha).
To cut a long story short, my granddad passed away in 2011. And for some bizarre reason, I agreed to go to law school, and for the last 3 years, endured blood, sweat and literal tears. Then finally, with resounding hallelujahs, I graduated with honours last July. But despite my best efforts, I could not bring myself to continue in this industry. I was supposed to apply for the BAR but I backed out after filling out just my name. I basically chickened out and even all these years I’ve spent psycho-ing myself to be a full fledged lawyer could not convince me to actually be one.
So this brings me to the present – I am an unemployed law graduate. And I don’t know what I want to be even when I’ve already grown up.
The pressure of finding a job and the expectation of my family can really get to a person. More so when that person is me because I can’t help the fact that I am a planner and a perfectionist. As high as the expectations of my family are, my expectations for myself are much higher.
The funny thing though, is that in the midst of all this chaos that is life, there is a silent but evident comfort that things will work out. Things have always found a way to fix itself in my life. I never quite know how but I know that I can trust Him to just take care of everything. After all, He’s pretty much disrupted any plan that I’ve ever had anyway and He has trumped all my expectations by giving me far more than what I can ever anticipate for my life.
The road before me may be foggy but it will be okay. It’s always okay.
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