- August 09, 2018
- Denise Lee
The storm is raging outside my window. But all I feel is calm. I’ve been having sleepless nights since last Tuesday. Sleepless because there are a million things on my mind, and by things, I mean you.
Has it really been two months since we last spoke? It felt like time never drifted. And yet, time now stands between us, creating an infinity so that you will always be wherever you are and I will be wherever the wind takes me. The memories are still so vivid – the way you held my hand; the way you told me that you were sorry; the way you left; the way I crumbled and cried on my bedroom floor.
We created our own little universe in the span of two years. How could something that became our everything suddenly turn into nothing? The love we shared just ceased to exist. It was as if the universe that we created suddenly conspired to go against us. It was as if none of it ever mattered.
Jean told me that she bumped into you the other day in Hyde Park. You were holding her hand – that girl with the dark brown eyes, jet-black hair and sun-kissed skin. I knew exactly who she was.
She was the reflection in your eyes. She was the sound of your heartbeat. She was the wind in your hair. She was the scent of your perfume. She was the soul in your songs. She was the light in your moments of doubt. She was the wave in your ocean. She was the peak of every mountain you climbed. She was the lullaby as you fell asleep. She was the first thought as you opened your eyes. She was the uninvited warmth beneath our sheets. You never stopped loving her even though you spent your nights with me. You chose her because I can never be.
I was just in the way; the temporary ray of sunshine before a torrential rain. And you loved the rain.
Ever since you walked out the door, your life blossomed into this fairytale, while mine has taken a sharp turn with a series of unfortunate events. My cat died, my best friend moved out of town, my favourite dim sum place in Chinatown closed down, my laptop fell into a puddle while I was walking home from work the other day. There was no one to come home to. Your side of the bed lays cold beside me and your coffee mug is stained with the outlines of your lips. “It will get better, just give it some time,” they said.
You were my daydream and then my nightmare. Foolishly, I thought I stopped loving you.
But darling, I still do.
So just for tonight, you’re still the stardust in my dark sky.